Once again I fear that I am devalued in the eyes of my hubby. I know it isn't so but his lack of forethought, disregard for all that I do, and his general actions make me feel as though I am.
These are the two things that got to me today. Dinner and the bathroom.
I cleaned the upstairs bathroom and got a thank you. Point for hubby. The downstairs bathroom is another story. I get home from a nice time with my bestie and her brother and the bathroom is chock full of stuff to the point that I have to move boxes, etc. to get to the toilet. This should not be.
Dinner? I made a nice dinner for us. I asked him to take one thing to my bestie's house for her brother. He does it. Again, point for hubby. Dinner is now ready so I call to see where he is. Figure he is on the highway or on his way home. Nope still at friend's house watching television. Seriously? I am making dinner for you and you don't come home right away. His answer is put it in the oven and keep it warm. I'll be there shortly. That was a half hour ago. I happen to know it takes 15 or 20 minutes to get from my friend's house to my house. So where the hell is he?
It is the lack of respect that makes me think I am devalued. I work hard and his actions show me that he doesn't care what I do for him. I wonder if I just made crap for dinner if he would even notice. Dog crap on a plate. Bet he wouldn't notice the "effort" at all. Sucks sometimes to feel this way. Now, time to eat dinner.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
So done with it all
I am just so aggravated. I am done with the arguing, the selfishness, the anger, the hurt, and the tears. I just want things to be the way that they were.
Hubby and I keep arguing about the kids and money. I know that we are in a tight spot but it is like I get blamed for it all. Granted I spend a lot of money but so does he. And I am told that I need to cut back which is a good idea but why only me. Shouldn't it go both ways. I feel like I can't ask for what I want or need, that I have to tell him that I am doing it so that I can do it. I'm afraid to ask for me time because I fear he will tell me no. So I just tell him that I am going somewhere so that he doesn't say I can't go.
The arguing is out of control. We mainly argue about the money but also about Nicholas. He doesn't follow the directions on the can of formula and makes a bottle as he sees fit. Sometimes he puts in too much water, sometimes too much formula. The child already has digestion issues and he is just making it worse. He hasn't woken up to Nicholas' cries the last two nights and he is right across the hall from him. I heard the baby crying downstairs while in the back of the house and the baby monitor was off. WTF???? I am not allowed to get a good night's sleep. I have to sleep lightly for fear that the children wake up and need me. I just feel like I can't count on him anymore.
I know that these seem so minor but they get to me. I feel like there are two standards and the standards he holds me to are his way of telling me that I don't matter in this relationship. I feel like I always come in dead last and that I am not valued for my input into this family. I bust my butt to care for this house, these children, and him and I feel like I get no thanks in return. Even when I am allowed to sleep in or go out I cannot enjoy it because I worry about the children alone with him. I worry that they aren't getting quality time with their father. He props bottles up during the day with Nicholas and then tells me he is afraid to hold the baby when Lily is around. He'll make her breakfast but has the t.v. on all the time when he is with them and then will tell me that Nicholas enjoys the television noise. Seriously? That is not quality time.
If the ship wasn't being fixed right now I would tell him to just go and stay there and not bother coming home. But all sailors with homes out in the community have to stay at home while they redo berthing. Sometimes I just feel like packing up the kids and heading out of town. I wonder if he would miss me? I have no doubt he would miss the children. And that is where the problem lies. I am just a fixture in this home. I feel underappreciated and unloved and when I voice it he asks me why I feel that way. Gee hun, I don't know. Maybe it is the way you treat me. I am just do done with it all. We need marriage counseling badly otherwise this marriage is not going to last.
I guess I also feel like I can't tell him how I feel because he blows it off or will only listen when he is doing something else. There is never time that he will make for us to just talk about the problems. I hate it. We really do need counseling because I am ready to throw in the towel. I feel like I am living with the ex-husband again.
Hubby and I keep arguing about the kids and money. I know that we are in a tight spot but it is like I get blamed for it all. Granted I spend a lot of money but so does he. And I am told that I need to cut back which is a good idea but why only me. Shouldn't it go both ways. I feel like I can't ask for what I want or need, that I have to tell him that I am doing it so that I can do it. I'm afraid to ask for me time because I fear he will tell me no. So I just tell him that I am going somewhere so that he doesn't say I can't go.
The arguing is out of control. We mainly argue about the money but also about Nicholas. He doesn't follow the directions on the can of formula and makes a bottle as he sees fit. Sometimes he puts in too much water, sometimes too much formula. The child already has digestion issues and he is just making it worse. He hasn't woken up to Nicholas' cries the last two nights and he is right across the hall from him. I heard the baby crying downstairs while in the back of the house and the baby monitor was off. WTF???? I am not allowed to get a good night's sleep. I have to sleep lightly for fear that the children wake up and need me. I just feel like I can't count on him anymore.
I know that these seem so minor but they get to me. I feel like there are two standards and the standards he holds me to are his way of telling me that I don't matter in this relationship. I feel like I always come in dead last and that I am not valued for my input into this family. I bust my butt to care for this house, these children, and him and I feel like I get no thanks in return. Even when I am allowed to sleep in or go out I cannot enjoy it because I worry about the children alone with him. I worry that they aren't getting quality time with their father. He props bottles up during the day with Nicholas and then tells me he is afraid to hold the baby when Lily is around. He'll make her breakfast but has the t.v. on all the time when he is with them and then will tell me that Nicholas enjoys the television noise. Seriously? That is not quality time.
If the ship wasn't being fixed right now I would tell him to just go and stay there and not bother coming home. But all sailors with homes out in the community have to stay at home while they redo berthing. Sometimes I just feel like packing up the kids and heading out of town. I wonder if he would miss me? I have no doubt he would miss the children. And that is where the problem lies. I am just a fixture in this home. I feel underappreciated and unloved and when I voice it he asks me why I feel that way. Gee hun, I don't know. Maybe it is the way you treat me. I am just do done with it all. We need marriage counseling badly otherwise this marriage is not going to last.
I guess I also feel like I can't tell him how I feel because he blows it off or will only listen when he is doing something else. There is never time that he will make for us to just talk about the problems. I hate it. We really do need counseling because I am ready to throw in the towel. I feel like I am living with the ex-husband again.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
First Blog: My Goals for this Page
So this is my first blog on here and I want to share exactly what it is that I am trying to accomplish by having this blog. I want you to know the goals of what I am doing, why I am doing it, and just let you get a general sense of what this blog is going to be about.
First off, this blog is about me. It is not intended to intimidate, upset, offend, or otherwise give negativity to an already negative world. It is just who I am, what I am thinking, and a way for me to express myself. As the name of the blog implies this is who I am, you can take me or leave me.
So here are my goals for this blog. Feedback is always welcome.
1. I will try to post something every day. It may be a blog, it may be a recipe, it may be just my thoughts and whatnots.
2. This is to help me get things out of my head and for me to grow as a person. If you do not like what I have to say then don't read it. I will not censure myself for anyone.
3. There will be days when what I have to say is negative or offensive to some. It is not said to upset people but to express what my mind thinks. If you are offended, I am sorry but I have free speech and plan to exercise that right.
4. If what I have to say offends you and you want to tell me so that is fine. Again, you have free speech. However, be polite about it and do not attack me as a person because you do not believe what I believe. If you cannot be mature about your opinions then do not bother me with them.
5. What I have to say may be prejudiced at times. However, I promise not to use racial slurs to get my point across or to vent my feelings. Likewise, there will be swearing at times. If this offends you, well then get lost.
6. Finally, I am a Christian. I do not promise to be perfect, nor do I promise to be politically correct. I am also a Republican. If my belief in God or my political standpoint bothers you, we may engage in a lively discussion of why you are neither, but do not put me down nor try to change my standpoint. If it is a choice between you and God, God will win out everytime.
Now that you know how I feel it is time for you to make the choice of whether or not this blog is something you want to follow or just read once in a while. Either way, you are not hurting my feelings. This is here for me. Your enjoyment is secondary to my growing as a person in the Lord's love. TAKE ME AS I AM OR WALK AWAY. Those are the only two options you have.
First off, this blog is about me. It is not intended to intimidate, upset, offend, or otherwise give negativity to an already negative world. It is just who I am, what I am thinking, and a way for me to express myself. As the name of the blog implies this is who I am, you can take me or leave me.
So here are my goals for this blog. Feedback is always welcome.
1. I will try to post something every day. It may be a blog, it may be a recipe, it may be just my thoughts and whatnots.
2. This is to help me get things out of my head and for me to grow as a person. If you do not like what I have to say then don't read it. I will not censure myself for anyone.
3. There will be days when what I have to say is negative or offensive to some. It is not said to upset people but to express what my mind thinks. If you are offended, I am sorry but I have free speech and plan to exercise that right.
4. If what I have to say offends you and you want to tell me so that is fine. Again, you have free speech. However, be polite about it and do not attack me as a person because you do not believe what I believe. If you cannot be mature about your opinions then do not bother me with them.
5. What I have to say may be prejudiced at times. However, I promise not to use racial slurs to get my point across or to vent my feelings. Likewise, there will be swearing at times. If this offends you, well then get lost.
6. Finally, I am a Christian. I do not promise to be perfect, nor do I promise to be politically correct. I am also a Republican. If my belief in God or my political standpoint bothers you, we may engage in a lively discussion of why you are neither, but do not put me down nor try to change my standpoint. If it is a choice between you and God, God will win out everytime.
Now that you know how I feel it is time for you to make the choice of whether or not this blog is something you want to follow or just read once in a while. Either way, you are not hurting my feelings. This is here for me. Your enjoyment is secondary to my growing as a person in the Lord's love. TAKE ME AS I AM OR WALK AWAY. Those are the only two options you have.
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