So done with it all

I am just so aggravated. I am done with the arguing, the selfishness, the anger, the hurt, and the tears. I just want things to be the way that they were.

Hubby and I keep arguing about the kids and money. I know that we are in a tight spot but it is like I get blamed for it all. Granted I spend a lot of money but so does he. And I am told that I need to cut back which is a good idea but why only me. Shouldn't it go both ways. I feel like I can't ask for what I want or need, that I have to tell him that I am doing it so that I can do it. I'm afraid to ask for me time because I fear he will tell me no. So I just tell him that I am going somewhere so that he doesn't say I can't go.

The arguing is out of control. We mainly argue about the money but also about Nicholas. He doesn't follow the directions on the can of formula and makes a bottle as he sees fit. Sometimes he puts in too much water, sometimes too much formula. The child already has digestion issues and he is just making it worse. He hasn't woken up to Nicholas' cries the last two nights and he is right across the hall from him. I heard the baby crying downstairs while in the back of the house and the baby monitor was off. WTF???? I am not allowed to get a good night's sleep. I have to sleep lightly for fear that the children wake up and need me. I just feel like I can't count on him anymore.

I know that these seem so minor but they get to me. I feel like there are two standards and the standards he holds me to are his way of telling me that I don't matter in this relationship. I feel like I always come in dead last and that I am not valued for my input into this family. I bust my butt to care for this house, these children, and him and I feel like I get no thanks in return. Even when I am allowed to sleep in or go out I cannot enjoy it because I worry about the children alone with him. I worry that they aren't getting quality time with their father. He props bottles up during the day with Nicholas and then tells me he is afraid to hold the baby when Lily is around. He'll make her breakfast but has the t.v. on all the time when he is with them and then will tell me that Nicholas enjoys the television noise. Seriously? That is not quality time.

If the ship wasn't being fixed right now I would tell him to just go and stay there and not bother coming home. But all sailors with homes out in the community have to stay at home while they redo berthing. Sometimes I just feel like packing up the kids and heading out of town. I wonder if he would miss me? I have no doubt he would miss the children. And that is where the problem lies. I am just a fixture in this home. I feel underappreciated and unloved and when I voice it he asks me why I feel that way. Gee hun, I don't know. Maybe it is the way you treat me. I am just do done with it all. We need marriage counseling badly otherwise this marriage is not going to last.

I guess I also feel like I can't tell him how I feel because he blows it off or will only listen when he is doing something else. There is never time that he will make for us to just talk about the problems. I hate it. We really do need counseling because I am ready to throw in the towel. I feel like I am living with the ex-husband again.